Smart Kids (UK)

Hello and hi. No one likes a smart alec. And if you are a smart alec along with a rather large dollop of sarcasm…you may have some challenges in your life. In fact, my death will probably be caused by me being sarcastic at the wrong time. But enough about me. Let’s talk about smart kids….we all know one.

Five kids under the age of 13 are competing on Channel 4 ‘Child Genius’ a show about, non-dummies. So far, these tiny tots have already had questions on foreign currency and the UK Rail Network. As for me, I still can’t tell the difference between 10 pence and 50 pence and as for the UK Rail Network…let’s say that I spend a lot of time at customer service. When trains get disrupted/delayed, I really have no idea of how to get home. The struggle is real.

Like I said, these kids are under 13. They are not quite adults. They are small humans. And while they probably can’t reach the top shelf at the library-intellectually they make us normal folk feel quite silly indeed. And aint nobody got time for that. So these small humans have passed some pretty gruelling tests of their memory, mental arithmetic and spelling skills. And now FIVE of them will be competing to be crowned the brainiest child in Britain. Good luck to them, they wont need it though. They got mad cerebral skills.

The interesting thing about smart kids is that some of them put pressures on themselves to win (by comparing themselves to the world’s greatest ever minds). But some are clearly being pushed to victory by their parents. And that my friends, can go horribly wrong.

So, allow me to introduce you to these smart cookies (they probably don’t even eat cookies-weirdos).

Rhea, 10

Privately educated Rhea lives in London and is the daughter of obstetrician Sonal and pharmaceutical executive Anish

Rhea who is privately educated, lives in London and is the daughter of an obstetrician and a pharmaceutical executive. Her IQ puts her in the top 0.1 per cent of the population for her age, and she has already shown that she can spell words including benthopelagic, phosphorescence and synaposematism. What a total freak. Rhea says: ‘I want to be a doctor just like my mum and my grandma. Well, that’s nice for Rhea but let me tell you…I think she secretly wants to work as a waitress while attending school full-time,  so she can have beer money for University. I mean, that is:  living. the. dream.

Rhea’s Mum said, ‘It is not enough to be smart, you need to be extra smart.’ Yawn. Nothing like pointing out the obvious. Thanks for that tidbit of info Ma. Sheesh. She also said,‘Rhea is definitely one of those kids who does exactly what she puts her mind to. The whole point is to win. She’s got just two options: Oxford or Cambridge.’ Wow. I mean, her parents care about her welfare and education. I get it. And I too would have loved to have gone to Oxbridge too-but I know my limits, and  therefore did not apply.

Saffy, 9

Serafina, who is also known as Saffy, lives in Surrey and is state educated. An avid reader, she could correctly answer which ten-letter word beginning with ‘u’ describes something that seems to be everywhere

Saffy reads 40 books a month. Slowclap. Does she live in a bookstore? She reads-great. We all know how to read…you are reading right now. I mean, does she want a prize or something? Anyway, Saffy’s real name is Serafina (which is quite a lovely name) and she lives in Surrey and is state educated. She is the daugther of a chartered accountant and personnel director. Our Saffy is an avid reader, and she knows the meaning of the word ubiquitous. So do I, love. So.Do.I.
Stephen, 12

Stephen (left) attends a state secondary school in Birmingham and is passionate about quantum physics. Stephen's younger sister Georgia, 10, memorised the full line of English kings and queens, complete with their dates of births and deaths, when she was eight

Here is Stephen. See Stephen run. See Stephen play. Nope. Sadly, our Stephen does not have any time for all that. Sigh. Stephen says: ‘I want to be child genius for two reasons. One, for the bragging rights, and two because it will be interesting to see how much it challenges me because I have got a very good memory….Really I believe I am three quarters of an Isaac Newton.

‘My autism gives me great memory, but is a disadvantage if, for example, things are too crowded, too loud or too quiet – because I will just run away.’ Mad props to Stephen-he understands the complexity of his autism. Respect.

And meet Stephen’s sister, Georgia-she is 10. And the pair of them are uber competitive. Georgia knows the full line of English kings and queens, complete with their dates of births and deaths. Slowclap. Same here, honey. Oh wait…she knew all that stuff when she was EIGHT. Sweet Jesus.

In addition to her her royal knowledge, she could also say which ‘i’ is a narrow piece of land connecting two larger areas (answer: isthmus) and spell quintessential, maelstrom and epiglottis. Good Lord. Is she for real? Seriously, someone give this girl a Pokemon Go game. Do it now. Georgia says: ‘Me and Stephen have been very competitive so in a way I am hoping he doesn’t get through – so I can prove to him I am smarter.’ HAHAHA. What a total sister thing to say. I like Georgia already. Georgia also said, ‘With [Stephen’s] autism he has to take priority, which sometimes does make me feel overshadowed. It kind of makes me feel left out, and that my opinion doesn’t matter as much.’ Wow. Just wow. Pretty revealing.

Jonanthan, 12

Jonathan is from Gloucestershire and was home-schooled by his mother Tina until 18 months ago. He achieved A* in his GCSE French exam at the age of ten, speaks Italian and is teaching himself Japanese

Jonathan is from Gloucestershire and was home-schooled by his mother Tina, until he found out that she was a high-school drop out and promptly gave her 2 weeks notice. He was all: ‘Bye Mum.’ Jonathan is pretty smart and at the mo(ment) teaching himself Japanese. Slowcap. That ain’t no big deal. I speak Mandarin Chinese but you don’t see me hootin’ and a hollerin’ about it. Jonathan’s father is an account mananger and his mum is a high school drop out. Yes. Jonathan achieved A* in his GCSE French exam at the age of 10 and speaks Italian. And I may have mentioned that he is teaching himself Japanese. Jonathan can spell ‘unconscionable.’ Great, can he spell ‘who cares?’ Seriously though, spell check was invented for a reason and people need to recognise that. Yes, Jonathan I am talking to YOU. Jonathan says ‘I have confidence in myself that I am a genius because you only get into Mensa if you get a high enough IQ….I am ready to win Child Genius to prove that I am clever – if I didn’t know that already. I reckon I have got quite a good chance of winning.’

Ok now. Perhaps I was a bit too hard on these kids. Truth is, I am terribly jealous. I am pretty green, as they say. I do wonder what their teenage and adult lives will be like. I mean, where will they be in the next 10 years? So just know, that I was only having a bit of fun and wish these tiny people with BIG brains the best of luck. May the smartest person win! That is all.




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