How to make an Englishman cross (angry)

Greetings from London Town. As an honorary Brit, I am happy to help you in any way possible in which would facilitate your next trip to Blighty (England). American translation: hi y’all, happy to help.

The following is a list of how to make an Englishman cross:

1. Jump the queue (line). Never do this. This happened to me yesterday. I had to put my fellow Brit straight. So, I said: ‘oh hello, did you not SEE the queue?’ The silence was audible but I think I made my point.

2. Eat from the bottom tray of chocolates-even though the first level still has chocolates. Crazy I know. But trust me on this one.

3. Leaving 1 tbs of milk in the container. I think this is pretty much universal.

4. Serving tea without biscuits. Of course the Brits are so polite they wont tell you. But I am telling you. You can thank me later.

5. Never offering to make tea. Again, trust me on this one.

6. Looking for your ticket at the ticket turnstile on the underground-and making people wait for you to find it at the very bottom of your bag. You will make enemies this way when you really ought to be making friends.

7. Say to an English person ‘I really like your accent’. Please don’t do this. Think friends. You want them.

There are more, but that should be sufficient for now. American translation: That’s it. End of.

Cheers

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19 comments

  1. BritishMumUSA · October 21, 2014

    Hey LOVE IT!!! And yes to all of that….. On my Pet Peeves, I list as a Brit living in America, for the love of GOD Do Not try to do my ACCENT!!! Enough to drive me to want to stab your eyeballs OUT!!! Enough said 🙂

    • samdfb1 · October 21, 2014

      Lol! Yes, my English husband feels the same way. However, he is so terribly polite that he will just smile and suffer in silence…and wait for you to finish. Have a good day. x

  2. Julie · November 8, 2014

    I’m nodding to each and every one of these – sorry about this! (I’m pretty sure number 5 is a sackable offence in a workplace)

    • samdfb1 · November 8, 2014

      hah! For sure it is. Try explaining THAT one to the Employment Tribunal. Make the tea, I say.

  3. Howard · March 15, 2015

    Re 5: some of the best tea I’ve ever had has been made for me with kind care and attention by dear American friends. But growing up as I did in the foothills of Kilimanjaro I tend to like coffee more. Ah, Chagga! Mmmm. Then I lived in the Caribbean. Ah, Blue Mountain! Mmmm.

    • samdfb1 · March 15, 2015

      Good Morning to you H. (as they say on the BBC). Let us get some admin outta the way first. I am glad you like my blog but it would be GREAT if you actually clicked ‘like’ once you have finished reading. This will help with my numbers as well as my impending Damehood. Also, if you ‘follow’ me then my blogs and I blog like every other day will be emailed to you. Yeah. Everyone wins. That being said. I’ve had some great tea made for me by English people. It is as we say back home ‘the bomb’ meaning ‘good!’. You grew up in the foothills of Kilimanjaro? Whaaaat? And you lived in the Caribbean? Where exactly? And you have no blog because……?

  4. Howard · March 15, 2015

    Dear Dame Samantha de Freitas (there, I’m getting you ready for what I guess will be your form of address when you are actually Damed. Which shouldn’t be long. June 13th is the next Honours List, I think. [Queen’s Official Birthday*. {Trooping the Colour parade at Horseguards’.}]), I am so sorry, I hadn’t realized such liking and following things existed. It is grossly typical of my tablet’s recalcitrance that it attempts to hide things from me. Bastardy is too kind an allegation to make of my tablet. Of course I shall follow you. I’ll follow you to the ends of the earth. Why, I’ll even follow you to Swaffham (greater love hath no man).

    Yes, we used to live in Tanzania when it was still Tanganyika, and a nobler, kinder people you could not find to live amongst.

    And then we lived in Port of Spain. Heaven on Earth. Not too far from Mr de Freitas if he were living in Georgetown Guyana at that time.

    I was born in Mexico City. I had a globetrotting Pa. We lived in a lot of far-flung places, though not Vanuatu, if my memory serves me (possibly we missed a connecting flight and decided to go somewhere else instead).

    So I spent a lot of my my formative years as an expat, and this is perhaps why I follow expatriate blogs and sympathize (the homesickness and feeling of deracination) with those who write them.

    Now I am afraid I have been taking up far too much of your blog with ‘me, me, me, ME’, dear S., and I apologize humbly.

    XXXXXXX
    H.

    * Isn’t it grand that she gets TWO birthdays year? Perhaps Parliament votes her the extra one as a bonus, like performance-related-pay, for being such a sweet old sausage and hard grafter.

    • samdfb1 · March 15, 2015

      Dear H, exciting expat life! No doubt you spent time in boarding schools. Don’t worry, I don’t judge. Much. Yes 2 bdays. Lucky Liz!

    • samdfb1 · March 15, 2015

      You should blog H.

  5. Howard · March 15, 2015

    . . . . birthdays a year. . .

  6. Howard · March 15, 2015

    I was correcting a typo in my stuff about the Queen’s birthday. I had left out “a” between “birthdays” and “year”.

    • samdfb1 · March 15, 2015

      Aaah. You see, we ALL make mistakes H. Chortle. No go read today’s blog mate.

  7. samdfb1 · March 15, 2015

    *Now

  8. Howard · March 17, 2015

    Oh goodness. When I wrote about Vanuatu I only meant it as an example of a remote and difficult-to-reach place. I didn’t realize it had been hit by an appalling disaster (I’ve been a bit preoccupied recently and have only just seen the news). My stuff must have seemed crass, inept and tactless. I am so sorry. Poor, poor people of Vanuatu. I shall try to find what disaster relief funds are relevant and make amends.

    • samdfb1 · March 17, 2015

      Yes, was wondering why you had mentioned it. My cousin got married there a few years back. They are already receiving aid from Oz, GB and US. Don’t worry, you didn’t intentionally make a crass comment. It happens. You’re only human mate. X

      • Howard · March 18, 2015

        Well, I still feel a plonker, though you are very kind and forgiving.

        Funnily enough I was going to use Easter Island as my remote place, but at the last minute changed it to Vanuatu because of the loveliness of the name.
        XXXXXXX
        H

      • samdfb1 · March 18, 2015

        Hah! Good one H. X

  9. samdfb1 · March 17, 2015

    I make flip comments all the time. I need to zip my lip if I want any future at the Bar. And not the pub type bar if you know what I mean. X

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